it finally comes to the end

sigh.... just finished all of my exams... i guess the first thing i have to say is, i am relieved.... but at the same time, full of regrets and my brain is keep repeating "i could have done better"... i know i told silent killer (if she has read it already) not to worry about the exams she has already finished coz she or anyone can't do anything about it anymore and there is no point thinking about it. it will turn out to be whatever it will be... i tried to forget the exams i did earlier as well. but when it comes to the end, which is right now, as im evaluating on how i did it on the exams, just makes me cry....

i think my last post was about how i screwed up my maths right? the "screwed up" part applies to every paper i took... i just had my japanese paper 2... and it was a total disaster... i hated the question so much and i simply had very little thing to write about... so as usual i waffled and waffled... and yeah, even though it is my first language, i dun think what i wrote makes sense at all... i suck in languages anyway... oh well, disliking reading tells all about it i guess... i was continuously moaning about the paper and scratching my head during the exam... meanwhile, silent killer was taking her german... sit so calmly look so confident... seemed like she finished her exam like 20 min before the time was over... i wish i can do that.... i am so going to fail my japanese... fail as in seriously fail... not like SK who thinks not getting A* is fail for her... i know japanese is my mother tongue... yeah... it is a mother tongue... TONGUE.. it is located in our MOUTH and is a sensory organ for tastes... we use our mouth to speak.. not hands... (unless u are deaf or pharynx is damaged) thus japanese is my mother tongue.. i can speak... it is not mother hand... i can't write... im sure u can see from this blog entries as well... so what!

chem..... oh chem... CHHHHEEEEEEMM... TT no more comments... psych, i dun even need to talk about it.... it is going to be the worst of all my subjects anyhow... or may be this time, my jap is gonna me equally as bad.

did i prepare myself enough for this exams??? i guess not... im sure i put more effort into IB exams then when i was taking IGCSE... it still wasn't enough... i am not as smart as you guys and needed to commit myself into the exams more... i tried but i failed... well it's unfair how these smart people knows how to prepare for the exams waaaay more than they needed to and stupid people like me just don't know how to...

if i somehow truly with luck, get the result that i aimed to get in july, tht will be a miracle and if that miracle happens, i will delete this post. i wish i will be able to...


i am sorry silent killer... i can not not do what i told u not to do...


anyway, so yes... i just finished my high school... although i was dropped one year... im actually glad about it ... this is how i acquire my english... i know it is very minimal and limited... at least i can communicate most of the time... holding back one year enabled me to meet up more people... and able to see, talk, share thoughts, do stupid things, and do everything with these people longer... there is hardly any negative things.... and all of this came to the end... not going to uplands anymore to see them...


most of guys finished their exam last week and most have left already... well i hope they are coming back for graduation dinner... seeing people gradually leaving and even thinking about people leaving or myself is leaving from uplands seriously makes me cry emotionally challenging though, i try to hide it all the time... my roommate is gone back to KL so im left in my room alone now for a week now... well i can have more of my own private time and space... but feels just different... im kinda guy who likes to stick onto where i can settle and feel comfortable... and afraid of changes... and this is the time of changes... i seriously might commit suicide one day like every other japanese... yeah... we are the most suicidal human beings on this planet.. we have the highest suicide rates...

i sound so emo ya? lol... but i just am right now... doing crap on the exams + farewell + afraid of changes = emo... this is katsu's law... i just dun show it outside... they why im i writing this? why im i telling that im really emotional right now? the answer is i dunno... i guess it is because, hardly anyone reads this blog and it is for my own good... and as far as i know, people who reads this blog is someone whom i have spoken my own thoughts before; i trust them and i love them...

so yeah... not many thing is going right for me these days mentally... cos of the near future... i really envy people who like the changes and thinks that the change is a whole new opportunity for them... seeing changes in truely optimistic way... i guess people should be like that... watching all the documentary programs about someone's successful life... they all talk about taking the advantages of the changes in their life and not afraid of it... look at me... such a coward and really really immature...


well dun worry about me (if u ever do)... i don't need psychologist or counsellor right now... not that bad yet... i guess when i need it is when i seriously think about jumping off from the top of petronas tower... and i probably will know when i need their help...

im bla bla-ing right now... just to express my negative emotions out somewhere and my here is the perfect place for me right now... my blog is a very good listener of me...